STOP TRYING TO SELL ME STUFF!!!

Gosh, it’s been a while since I “blogged”, and I really should update the current health/fitness/fasting news, however I just want to take yet another opportunity to have a good old whinge! 

I have mentioned on previous occasions my annoyance at having people invading MY personal space, and I get particularly annoyed when I am approached by someone trying to sell me something.  The local shopping centre is an absolute minefield, and my leisurely lunchtime stroll around the shops is ruined by these people waiting to pounce and waste my time in meaningless conversation.  I have very little time, and I don’t wish to spend my whole lunch hour saying “No thank-you”, or, even worse, having to justify why I am declining the wonderful product/service on offer.

My usual method of attempting to avoid them is to try and walk past them at exactly the same time as another pedestrian, with the other person, or people, in between me and the lurker.  I have perfected this technique, and it usually works when the lurkers are standing in one of the malls outside the shops.  It does, however, rely on the other person/people walking at the same speed as me and not deciding to try the veering technique to avoid the lurker, possibly crashing into me as they attempt to escape.  I have tried walking past staring straight ahead, with gritted teeth, and a “do not approach” look in my eye, but the lurkers are impervious to this and pounce gleefully.  They have skin as thick as a geriatric rhinosaurus, and once they have spoken to me, I am far too polite to just totally ignore them. 

It starts with a walk through M&S.  Their “Energy” man is always there, asking who your provider is.  “No thank-you” isn’t an appropriate answer to this question, and on a number of occasions I have found myself wasting precious time explaining to the man that I monitor my usage and use the price comparison websites to regularly review whether I am with the cheapest provider, and M&S obviously isn’t the cheapest as I would be with them by now, of my own choice, in my own time, etc, etc…  Avoidance is the only answer here, and I have identified the optimum route through the store for avoiding “Energy Man”.  Once out into the mall, I am at the mercy of a variety of different stands, each holding at least 1, and sometimes up to 4 or 5 people trying to force their products on me.  It starts with Sky (I daren’t stop or I will be forced to explain that, having finally managed to escape the clutches of the evil Sky, I am quite enjoying saving the £36 a month that I was paying Sky for the same channels that I can watch for free on Freeview and Freesat.)  There are two different Sky stands in the mall, so they are quite determined.  Once I have dodged the first Sky stand, it isn’t long before I am pounced on by the “Love Film” man.  His question is always “Do you watch movies”, to which my very short and truthful answer is “No”.  We very rarely actually sit down and watch a movie, and on the rare occasions when my son wishes to watch something other than the “Dave” Channel or CBBC, he can rent a movie on demand through a number of providers.  Following this quite small stand is a large stand where they wish to sell you kitchens/bedrooms/bathrooms.  The problem with it being such a long stand is that it is virtually impossible to get all the way past using any of my usual techniques.  Walking alongside other people doesn’t work, as they have plenty of time to manoeuvre round them to get to me.  A couple of loud “No thank-you”s, and I dive into TK Maxx, which is my usual point for switching sides of the shopping centre and changing direction (I can cut through TK Maxx to get to the other side, however I have to walk past the handbags which is never a good idea as I find it hard to walk past all the beautiful designs without stopping). 

Out the other side and the first stand where I am accosted is the pretzel stand.  I don’t mind this as they are usually giving out samples of tasty cinnamon pretzels, although I have to decline on my fasting days.  Shortly after this is the second “Sky” stand, which has to be avoided.  This side is often where the chuggers lurk, trying to appeal to my better nature and get me to sign up to make regular donations to their charity.  I have, in the past, fallen for this one, as it I don’t want to appear heartless and mean, however there has been a lot of adverse publicity recently about chuggers, so I no longer feel guilty about pointing out that I make donations to my chosen charities when I wish, and not when someone aks.  If I am feeling particularly cheeky, I point out that I don’t wish to donate to a charity that uses my donations to pay people to pounce on me in the high street.  All very well pointing these things out, but they waste precious time!

I think, however, that I have finally come up with a solution.  I usually walk up to the centre with my headphones on, listening to a podcast or some music on my phone.  Normally I take them out of my ears when I get to the centre, but I have found that if I walk around with them still in my ears (even if I have switched the sound off!), I am slightly less likely to be approached.  Also, if I am approached, then I can walk straight past without glancing at the lurker, pretending that I can’t hear because my music is too loud! 

Queueueueing

Apparently we Brits have lost our love of queuing, according to a survey by GifGaf.  As with many of these surveys, they are stating the obvious. 

In a “fair” world, all queues would be equal.  You could pick any queue in a supermarket and know that it will move at exactly the same rate as any of the other checkout queues.  However, Tesco’s Law states that any selected queue will, as soon as it has been joined, become the slowest moving of all.  You will wait, patiently at first (or at least for the first six and a half minutes according to the survey), as the checkout operator becomes slower and slower in her movements, as though on a film that is being played in slow motion...  The person in front of you eventually gets to the start of the conveyor belt – great!  Nearly there....  but... oh no... she is on her own, and she is about a hundred and two years of age.  She is lifting each item out of her trolley v...e...r...y..... s....l...o...w...l...y.... and placing it c...a...r...e...f...u...l...l...y... on the belt.  The operator slows down further as the scanned articles begin to build up in a huge pile at the other end of the conveyor.  You begin to wonder if you are not actually in a real-life scenario, but part of a still photograph, such is the lack of movement from all around you.  You realise that all the effort is still going into unloading the trolley onto the conveyor belt.  The items scanned by the hapless checkout operator are building up into a food mountain at the other end of the belt.  You glance across at the other checkout queues and catch a glimpse of the couple that were in the queue behind you for a while before queue-switching.  The lady is putting the final shopping bag into the trolley whilst the man is swiping his credit card in the machine.  You consider a queue-switch, but know, in your heart of hearts, that any such move would only result in a replay of the current situation.

Finally, in desperation, you offer to help with unloading the remainder of the trolley contents.  You probably should have offered earlier, but you were too busy wallowing in self-pity and the “here-we-go-again” thoughts that had taken over, forcing any sense of reason out of the window.  “Let me help you unload, whilst you start to pack”, you offer, with particular emphasis on the last word, less the customer should decide to start chatting to the checkout assistant about the fact that there hadn’t been any loose carrots available on the shelves, and she had had to take a packet of pre-packed ones which were much more expensive, and they were organic as well, which was ridiculous because we never used to have to pay extra to have things grown without chemicals, blah, blah, blah...   Expecting a smile and, perhaps, a little word of thanks, you are a little taken aback when she looks at you as though you have just swiped the last of the 2-for-1 Spam offer from the shelf in front of her nose!  However, she shuffles along to the other end of the checkout and, very slowly, starts to place the items in her shopping bag, with the complete lack of any urgency that comes with the knowledge that you have nothing else to do for the rest of the day, and the longer the supermarket experience can be drawn out, the longer it will be before you have to get home to your miserable git of a husband who has sat at home all afternoon watching TV and waiting for your return home to make him a cup of tea...

Having placed all of the remaining items from her trolley on to the conveyor belt to be scanned, and shoved the trolley out of your way towards the woman, you attempt to relieve the boredom by getting out your mobile phone and start playing “Jewel Quest”.  You get so carried away, you don’t notice that the old biddy has (finally!) finished her meticulous packing, retrieved her purse from the bottom of her cavernous handbag, counted out all her loose change, presented the cashier with 15 paper vouchers to see if they could be used, and had 13 returned to her as they were for items she hadn’t purchased, and was shuffling out of the store.  The cashier is drumming her fingers on the conveyor belt, and you are suddenly made aware that you have a full trolley to unload by the annoyed customer behind you sniping “Come on, get a move on!  Not all of us have all day you know....”

Pedestrian traffic

If I ran the country, I would stop persecuting poor motorists and turn my attention to the real menace in society – pedestrians!  There are some really dreadful drivers out on the roads, but at some stage (in theory...) most of them have passed a driving test.  This is not the case with pedestrians – the only training they get is when they are 12 months old and their loving parents are picking them up of the floor as they learn to walk.

The first rule I would implement is that all pedestrians who wish to walk in built-up areas such as busy pavements and shopping centres, or who wish to be able to visit anywhere there will be other pedestrians such shops, markets, shows, etc, would have to undergo Pedestrian Awareness (or PAT).  This would be where the learn the rules of walking in public places:

·         Rule 1: Pedestrians will, at all times, be aware of other traffic around them, paying particular attention to traffic that is ahead of them.  The use of mobile phones whilst walking is permitted as long as a hands free device is employed and the pedestrian keeps both eyes on the path ahead.  Mobile phone users who are caught tapping and staring at the phone whilst attempting to walk will receive a fine and 3 penalty points.  Pedestrians who eat whilst walking will not be fined as long as they continue to be aware of the traffic ahead, however they may receive a warning for gross behaviour in a public place.

·         Rule2: Pedestrians will proceed in an orderly straight line, keeping to the left of walkways in order to enable pedestrians moving in the opposite direction to pass.  Pedestrians attempting to pass on the wrong side of the walkway will receive a fine and 3 penalty points.  This will be doubled to 6 penalty points if the pedestrian is veering from side to side, preventing oncoming pedestrians from passing easily.

·         Rule 3: When joining a major walkway from a minor one, such as a side road or shop doorway, pedestrians will stop and look in both directions before easing into the flow of traffic on the major walkway.  Pedestrians caught charging out of shops straight into the path of other pedestrians will receive a fine and 3 penalty points .

·         Rule 4: Pedestrians wishing to look in shop windows or who wish to view anything other than the path ahead are required to slowly pull in to the side of the walkway and come to a standstill before viewing commences.  Any activity that involves taking the eyes off the path ahead will receive a fine and 3 penalty points  – this covers, but is not restricted to, talking to companions, gawping at an attractive male/female walking the other way, spotting a nice pair of shoes in a shop window and trying to read the price tag whilst still in motion, or any other activities involving the turning of the head more than 30 degrees in either direction.

·         Rule 5: Pedestrians will, at all times, ensure that the walkway is sufficiently clear for faster moving pedestrians to pass on the right.   Pedestrians attempting to travel more than 2 abreast will receive a fine and 3 penalty points each. 

·         Rule 6: Extremely slow moving pedestrians must not use busy walkways at peak times.  When they do, they must show respect for other pedestrians by walking at the very side of the walkway and pinning themselves up against a wall if necessary to enable other pedestrian traffic to pass. 

·         Rule 7: Pedestrians must give way to pedestrians with impeded movement, such as those in or pushing wheelchairs or pushchairs.  Pedestrians in, or pushing wheelchairs or pushchairs should show similar respect and be sure to abide by the rules, especially rule 5.  Any pedestrian caught ramming the wheeled vehicle they are pushing into the ankles of a pedestrian in front of them will receive a fine and 3 penalty points. 

Following PAT training, pedestrians will be required to carry a pedestrian licence at all times when they are walking in public places.  This licence will be revoked after 3 breaches of the rules, and the pedestrian would be required to undergo further training and examination before being allowed back on to the busy footpaths.